Been going through a lot recently. I'm pretty effed financially right now so I've been looking for a new job. My current job is pretty much over and done with as Verizon, my previous employer, has recently purchased Alltel and I'm fairly certain they're shutting down our center since Verizon has one about 2 miles away. If they keep anyone, I'm sure I won't be one one of those lucky few as I'm not "rehireable" as I was terminated due to behavioral issues (venting about my boss to a friend who decided to turn me in.)
But I don't want to hash on the past in this post. No, this post is going to be about what's going on in my head. So we all know the economy has shat itself and the job market is taking a bad hit. I'm having a hard time finding a job that would pay as well as my current job pays. I can't make less than this as I'm already struggling. A thought crossed my mind recently and it's a thought I didn't want to acknowledge as it would mean admitting I've failed at surviving on my own. But the more I think about it, the more I see it as the most logical course. I need to go home.
If nothing else, at least back there, I can live with my mom at severely discounted rent since she owns the house. The job market isn't any better there than it is here, but at least there the pay is better as it's adjusted for cost of living. If I can get a job that pays fairly well, with the rent break I'll be getting, I can pay off my debts and maybe even my truck sooner than anticipated and I can start again.
But, it's more than that...
I miss it. I miss driving in Hollywood. I miss cruising the strip. I miss LA summer nights. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the traffic, even. I miss living in a big city. Phoenix is a pretty sorry excuse for a city. Everyone here's too fucking uptight about everything. If you lived in LA, you'd know how much more tolerant people are there. I don't know.
Maybe I haven't given Phoenix a fair shot as I haven't really spent any time in the actual city except for when I went to the car show. I've been staying primarily in the east valley which is a lot nicer and I think I'm getting spoiled.
I saw a picture someone posted somewhere, I forgot where, but it was a window shot taken in the morning overlooking West LA and you could see the mountains, you could see the hills, you could see th J Paul Getty Museum on the hill. I remember driving up and down the 405 and seeing the signs for it.
I just long for those days where I knew my surroundings. I knew everything about them. That was my home. No one knew the city better than me.
Now, I don't even know anything outside my little safety zone in this valley.
I don't know anything, anymore.
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1 comment:
I know what you mean. I have felt that coming home to you = failure in your mind, but it doesn't.
These aren't the days of moving out when you are 18 anymore. These days, especially with the economy the way it is, our generation is screwed. Most people our age are either married or in room mate situations. You have the option of going home, paying off debt, and starting anew. I think that is fantastic and anyone with a huge amount of debt (like us) looks at that sort of situation rather fondly.
Just remember that it isn't a permanent decision. You should really lay it all out and do the math. Then you can plan how long you want to stay there and have that discussion with your mom from day 1.
You are an LA guy. As much as I think about moving elsewhere (Santa Cruz, Portland), I know that in my heart I would always long for LA.
We miss you too, but that is besides the point. You need to do what is better for YOU. So you say you don't do much these days? Sitting down and planning it all out and imagining the possibilities and writing them down as things to do with soft dates as to when they will happen, that will get you pumped up.
*hugs* I know you can do it.
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